April 10

Alright, so it's nice out, the grass is starting to get green even though it was a very dry winter. Then this morning my car is covered with an inch and a half of snow. Ok, fine. It keeps snowing. I went out for lunch and had to push a good 10 inches of wet snow off my car. Around noon it stopped snowing. YAY. Temperature goes above 0. Ok, so it was 1 above, but hey, melting can start. 4pm, it starts snowing again. There's huge wet snowflakes falling, the trees are covered in snow, and you can't see the top of my car anymore. It has been parked for 20 minutes. It is still supposed to be 20 above on sunday so I will be riding this weekend... but gees. On the good side, we did really need the moisture, there was already a fire ban in place.

Private: Heart Break

Has it ever happened to you that in a single action by another you can quite literally feel your heart break? Like a tear deep in your chest, it slowly rips from top to bottom.

The action can be simple, a smile at someone else, flinching away from a touch, turning over to face the other way in bed. It is rarely the first action in a series of events, but can easily be the last. The action is often so small, so seemingly inconsequential that the person who did it won't even remember.

What do you do when this is a common occurence, but due to other circumstances you can not, and don't want to, leave? How do you survive the torture of your heart breaking every month? every week? every day? What if you don't want to be set free, but just for the heart break to stop?

How do you tell someone that you want them to stay, and you wish they would stop causing your heart to break? How do you find the courage to say something when in the past they have always told you that your feelings are wrong?

How do you admit to yourself that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Private: No Regrets

It is a well know idea that you should live your life with no regrets.

Your friends will often try to tell you what they think their "No Regrets" life is, and if yours is different, here comes the peer pressure.

You're so young, why do you act like you're 30?

So, what happens when you finally cave to the peer pressure, take the leap, do something crazy and stupid and act your own age? What if you regret the path you took while you were living with no regrets? What if you don't realize your mistake before the mistake can't be taken back? Now you regret the life you chose, and you have no way to get back to the life you lived.

Just because I wasn't currently being a stupid teenager does not mean that I didn't at one point act like a stupid teenager. Maybe I just got over it faster than you. Maybe six months at 18 was enough for me. Why does someone else have the right to tell me that at 22 I should still be young, stupid and free? Why couldn't I have been strong enough to tell them to go to hell and live my life the way that I actually wanted to live it?

When I was ten, or so, I figured out that there was a small trend in my family, every 9 years there was a baby born. I'm the second in the chain, and now there's four of us. So, I decided I wanted a baby at 27, assuming I had a husband and stability. I was unconsciously working towards that in my life. It was the one goal that I had. And, I destroyed it due to a little peer pressure. I currently have no hope of being settled, again, enough in three years to be pregnant.

So, what do you do when all you have is regrets and lost dreams?

I wish I knew.

Motorbike Season

Well, the season is fast approaching... well, here in Calgary it is at least. There are bikes to be painted, modified, fixed and put back together better than they were before. This season should be pretty fun. I got one of the best bikes (in design and style), and it's even a mock race bike. Alright, so it's a 2002 Honda CBR600f4i Repsol Racing bike, from the last year they made split seats... so I'm pretty sure it was '02. We even managed to get Repsol plastics. Once the plastics come in, we are going to paint the tank and the rims, and then put it all back together. There's a couple pieces that need to be ordered to finish it off. Realistically, it should be done mid-April. I can't wait.

Now, this bike is a lot more powerful than the one I was riding last year. It deserves a lot more respect because it can kill me that much easier. All in all, I'm looking forward to getting the new bike rolling.

Private: I wondered

A while ago, I wondered how people fell so far into debt. It didn't make sense to me. Spend only what you have, it seemed so simple. There are the obvious exceptions like houses and cars, paying cash for a house is hard. But, buy a house that fits your life and your budget, and you'll be fine.

My upbringing wasn't typical, my parents worked hard and saved everything. We never went on trips, except to visit family in Europe, only half of which I could understand. I saved my money, bought a property at age 20. This was, of course, the smart thing to do. I provided stability, and I had heard enough about the economy and the current housing market to know that it would be a great investment. So, there I was, 20, with a mortgage, tuition, and a job that barely covered the two. Luckily family bailed me out.

How my life is a lie, such a big lie. I've been bailed out twice. Here I am, writing about how people fall into debt, and I would be long screwed if I hadn't been bailed out twice. I know how you fall into debt, you're vain, you want to appear better than you are, appear to have your life together, appear successful. Why would you do this? Why not be yourself? Well, because if you were yourself, you would be the failure of the family and a dissapointment to said family, and yourself. But, your family must love you for who you are... well, yeah, you'd think so.... but for some reason sucess, having your own company, or at least being good at something has been drilled into me. And yet, I got kicked out of university, I managed to finish a diploma, but can't get an interview with a good company for that field. By all measures of what I feel I'm measured against, I'm a failure.

Being ok at everything and good at nothing gets you nowhere, I've discovered. You have to be good at something to make a life for yourself. I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I want with my life. I know that I don't like my life now, and I want it to change, but I don't see a way out. I'm not asking to be bailed out, I can't, I'm 22, I moved away to be independent, and yet I'm dependent on the sale of my property and the alleged income from a family profit to keep me affloat. I figured out that I will pay rent, my last mortage payment and my credit card bill, and I'll have nothing left in the bank. Well, as close to nothing as you can get while still being able to afford the gas to go to work.

So, yes, money was imporant growing up, but when I was young, I was able to save a lot easier, starting to work at 14 and not spending much helped. It gave me my first property. But, then, at 22, somehow I managed to go from over 20 thousand in the bank to in debt, and losing money every month in less than a year. How the hell does a supposedly smart kid without a drug or gambling habit, hell, I don't even smoke, and barely drink anymore, lose almost 40 thousand in a year?

And, how does said smart kid get out of said hole without appearing like a very stupid child? I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Improv Everywhere Global

Done.

An era has ended. It started on a sunny morning in September 1990, it ended on a snowy afternoon in December 2007. 17 years and four months. Never more than 4 months away from it. 76.6% of my life. Over. Gone. No more books. No more tests. No more group projects. No more school.

In other news, I move in 4 weeks. Leaving Edmonton for the first time on a permanent basis. So much to do. I have to find a place to live, and pack up this place. I thought I would be here for a lot longer. I'm trading in my stable life for something else. If nothing else, it will be an adventure. I haven't had nearly enough of those in my life, so it's about time I started.